1. Please don’t wipe your nose on me, and you say it so casually because by now it is a regular thing that the little darlings will come to you for a hug and sneakily wipe a snotty nose on your shoulder. Nice. Thank you. By the time they are 2 they will be wiping their snot everywhere, you, their clothes, the curtains, any surface that is within reach pretty much.
2. Don’t wee up the furniture, or on the floor. This is something that boys will do from birth, a bit of cold air when you are changing their newborn nappy, pee in your hair, your face, everywhere. Potty training? Be prepared for wee everywhere, the kitchen floor, up the sofa, the wall, your rug, your bed, his bed, there is no place that won’t have been peed on by the time they are potty trained. And it doesn’t even end there, from preschool upwards they will manage to pee all around the toilet, behind it, all over the seat that they have neglected to lift up, and when they do lift it up? It is left up.
3. Please don’t bring those bugs in the house said with a calm voice as your son has been out collecting beetles and ladybirds and other crawling insects all morning.
“But they are my pets”
You reply like you are the wisest person on the planet and explain that although you would love for them to bring the real life Gaston the ladybird to live in their bedroom, he is much happier outside with all his friends and family, and nobody really knows what ladybirds eat, at least I don’t anyway.
|Above crab claw was located in car 2 weeks later!|
4. That better be chocolate you pray as you come across a suspicious brown stain on your cream rug, or when you spot the handprint on the wall at the bottom of the stairs. Luckily, it nearly always is chocolate. And for the times when it isn’t? Dettol, bleach and hot washes are all your best friend. I’m not gonna lie, the illusion in the parenting books of tummy time, structured play and then a positive parenting experience full of laughter and smiley faces is not achievable. Most likely you will be chasing a toddler with baby wipes or hollering to an older child to clean up his mess.
5. Oh my god how long has that been there? Now this could be anything, from a food wrapper placed in a bedroom waste paper basket instead of the kitchen bin, a half consumed bottled drink that has been long forgotten or maybe something even more vile? Well, that would be the fishy stench in our car in July 2015, every day the smell seemed to get more rancid, to the point where I was opening all of the windows before getting in the car to take my eldest to school and the heat wave clearly wasn’t helping the process. Just when we were losing all hope of solving the mystery and were seriously considering setting fire to the car, I discover a crab claw that had travelled with us from Wales. A FORTNIGHT before! Upon questioning my darling boy, he informed me that he put the crab claw under the glove box so it wouldn’t get lost and then he forgot about it! I can vouch for the fact that rotting crabs limbs are NOT good for fragrancing a vehicle, especially not in the heat of summer.