This post has been sat in my drafts for months, in February we found out that we were pregnant with our rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby that comes after a loss, or a number of losses. With our previous pregnancies we have always told our friends and family very early on, and then have had to call around and give the sad news that our baby had died these last two pregnancies in 2014 and 2015. I am an advocate of sharing your news before 12 weeks because as hard as it is to have to call your loved ones and tell them, it is easier when they are let in to your grief. Some people may not know how to support you, but some will and it is in these testing times you find that those that really care, will stick around. They will make you a cup of tea and ask you how you feel, how your heart is healing and if there is anything they can do, most importantly they will acknowledge your loss.
We made a massive decision, we decided that we weren’t going to make our pregnancy public knowledge and wanted to wait until we were ready to tell people. When I started to type this I was 21 weeks pregnant and was finding it quite peaceful enjoying my pregnancy with my husband and children. I had only told a couple of close friends and we were yet to tell our families. It has been fairly easy and the pregnancy has gone by quite quickly so far, we are now 30 weeks along and have only in the last fortnight told our families that we are expecting.
Pregnancy is never easy, it is bloody hard work, I have found this pregnancy especially difficult because after a miscarriage the magic and excitement is snatched away from you. This is especially true in early pregnancy, for me, having experienced both first and second trimester losses I am well aware of the fact that even though you are pregnant, holding a baby at the end is not guaranteed. Nothing is guaranteed and although getting pregnant was such a huge part of your life, now that you are, it brings new stresses and worries with it. I thought that once the baby started to move regularly I would feel so much more at ease knowing I can monitor movements and know that all is ok. Even though that is partly true, I find myself clock watching and counting the time between movements as if I am waiting for something to go wrong. It sounds horrible reading that back as I type but these are real worries of pregnancy after losses. I am sure I am not alone though and I am sure other Mums like me sit and think the same.
It’s not all doom and gloom though, I still sit and watch in wonder at my baby moving inside me, that stays just as magical as any other pregnancy, be it your first or your eighth. Through all the worrying and the stress so far, we are still mostly delighted that we are lucky enough to carry a baby this far and find so much comfort that the end is in sight and we will feel so much better when our baby is in our arms.
We are being seen regularly, although the consultant we have actually only met once, we have had scans at 9, 12, 14, 17, 20, 22 and 28 weeks. We have further scans booked for 32 and 36 weeks and it is likely this little one will be born a week or two after that, which is a really strange concept as both our boys have been over a week late so I expected to be settling in for 41+ weeks of pregnancy and in all reality this pregnancy will be 38 weeks at most. We generally see a junior doctor when we visit the hospital, which is fine, but generally they don’t know our history, haven’t been given adequate opportunity to read my notes and have no clue what they are supposed to be doing for me. Which given the fact that we had such a horrid previous 2 pregnancies, you would expect them to at least know why we are under consultant care. Andrew being the upfront guy that he is, fills in one of those comment cards every time we go, usually with a blunt and to the point synopsis of our visit, such as ‘visited clinic, saw another new doctor, would be fab if they knew why we are here’.
The downside to having a baby before 40 weeks is that we aren’t actually anywhere near ready for the baby! The cot is in pieces waiting to be built, we are yet to get round to ordering a cot mattress, but all will be fine, I’m sure (at least that is what I keep telling myself). It is a scary thought that as I write this and finally finish and post it at 30+4 weeks, our baby could be here in just over 7 weeks.
It is my intention to pop a short weekly update on here until our little one arrives in a few weeks, mostly I imagine it will consist of me moaning about anything and everything, I have developed quite the skill of it recently, you can ask my husband.